Posted by: eaubeauhorn | June 29, 2012


Sunday morning my phone rang and it was my friend Mary; that was unusual because she is Catholic and always attends Mass on Sunday morning. It turned out she was sick and had stayed home. I can’t remember exactly why she called, but part of it was to tell me that she had a neat recipe for a flax flour muffin that had a tablespoon of coconut oil in it; and that the recipe was for one muffin that was made in the microwave. She said it was really neat to watch the muffin rise as it cooked, something that would be a fun experience for kids. She promised to send me the recipe for the muffin.

Last week she and her husband had gone on a hike, a normal activity for them even in the summer heat , but she didn’t have her usual stamina. She continued through the week with her normal activities though, giving horn lessons and taking care of her mother. She said when she got home on Saturday (?) that her husband had said she looked awful. I guess on Sunday he had gone to church and she was home calling friends. She said she had had a fever of 105 but that it had come down to 104. She was coughing and said she had bad body aches. She hadn’t been so sick since she was a kid.

I received another phone call on Wednesday from her cell phone, and as I answered I figured she was calling to tell me she was still planning to send the recipe for the muffins. However, it was her husband who was on the other end of the line, and he said she was gravely ill and in the ICU of a local hospital with meningitis. She had wanted me to know.

I find myself trying to find sense in this nonsensical situation; here I am, longing to be free of this life and its misery, and I continue to have to struggle with more and more difficult situations just to stay alive, but with the help of the man who loves me, I am still alive. He has given his all and then some, and I have done little because I’m simply not able at this point in time. The only reason I’m still here is because of him. My friend Mary, on the other hand, is the caretaker of her mother, a Warrior who tilts at windmills, the Indefatigable. Sort of like my caretaker in a way. He a Warrior also, putting his own needs aside to care for mine just has she has put her own aside to care for her mother’s. So she is going and I am staying, for the time being. Of course we can all go at any time, but we don’t really believe that; it would disrupt our lives too much to be continually conscious of it.

So this vibrant, strong, loving, giving whirlwind of a person is talking to me on the phone on Sunday and on Wednesday is unconscious in the ICU. I don’t know who is taking care of her mother, and her husband is beyond upset.

I am in anguish; this is the best female friend I’ve ever had. In the last few years we have not had nearly as much contact as we did for the first few of our friendship, but the love was still there. People often asked if we were sisters, even though she is very tall and I am quite short, because we look alike. We developed a joke of telling people we had different fathers, hers a basketball player and mine a jockey.

When you lose someone, you are flooded with memories for a period of time. Because to my knowledge she has not died, I’m not having that intense flood….yet. But I am certainly having some of it, wishing I had copies of pictures we took in Bisbee. And the tears are close all the time. This is truly a situation where I would volunteer to have gone in her place, my not being needed here at all and her being needed so much. My wanting to go and her wanting to stay.

I’ve had some training in accessing other vibratory/focus levels, at the Monroe Institute, including their Lifelines program, in which people who have passed are helped to find where they need to go next, if they are needing such help. I rarely use these skills as they only seem available to me when I am under extreme duress. Well, such is the case with Mary, and I did go to check on her yesterday. I don’t take my experiences as “the truth” but only as data that hopefully can be validated by comparing notes with others. I found Mary in a focus level that is where people reside who are in a coma…..she was just sitting calmly, perhaps not knowing where she was but patiently waiting. As I approached she looked up and smiled, greeting me with some surprise. Since I get only “impressions” of what occurs, I can’t relate a conversation per se; but we decided to go for a walk. Then we were in a park-like setting, with green grass and flowers. No one else around, just the park. Then my perception of the experience ended.

There is a place called The Park in the Monroe focus levels, which is where people go after they have passed and are deciding where to go next. It’s not a place where people who lost end up; it’s a place of peace to be while contemplating the next move.

I continued in anguish until I woke up at 2 a.m. a while ago (my sleep habits are crazy since my own disability took over my life a year ago.) But lying here in bed I felt a peace that I haven’t for a while. It makes me think that something has resolved overnight….whether Mary has gotten over the crisis and is improving, or whether she has passed on, I don’t know. My experience suggests she has passed on, but, once again, I don’t know. Yesterday I sent an email to the TMI Explorers list asked people to check in on her and report back to me, as as attempt to validate my own experience. The one person who had written back last night had an experience quite different from mine, so I got no validation. She reported that Mary was having an intense reunion with a man who had passed and who likely would not come back (these experiences occur outside of space and time, so someone who passed two years ago can still come back, into the time frame when they passed) but that Mary was quite likely to come back. I can think of two people she would be having that intense reunion with; one is Giovanni, a previous love connection, and the other is her father, whom she was quite close to.

We’ll see.



  1. I’m so sorry about the loss of your friend, but I have the feeling you are feeling gratitude, more than anything, for having known her and sharing friendship with her.

    I’ll help Mary out here, by continuing what she started:

    Basic Ingredients:

    3 T Ground Flax seed
    1 t coconut or olive oil
    1 t baking powder
    1 egg
    I mix it up in the cup, making sure to blend the baking powder really well. I microwave mine for 65 seconds. Make sure it is a coffee cup and you don’t need to prep it/grease it. I pop it upside down, one knock on the counter and it slides out. I don’t use any sweetener in mine, not even Stevia, because usually I’ll mix something else in. These options add a little sweetness to it and keep it interesting.


    1 tsp Stevia (most people will want to include this)
    Handful of Blueberries (10) or Blackberries (5)
    1 Tbsp Raw Cacao (raw cocoa)
    A few chocolate chips (5)
    Pumpkin Butter – 1 Tbsp Pumpkin Puree, 1 Tbsp soft butter

    Mary was my daughter’s horn teacher for five years, and was her teacher up until two weeks ago, when she called to cancel her lesson (such a rare thing for her to do!) because she thought she had the flu. My daughter loved her and looked up to her. She was closer to Mary than she was any other adult, including me, because they shared a love of music, and a love of the horn in particular. She set my daughter on the course she will follow for the rest of her life. I am so grateful to her, and will miss her more than I can express.

    • Thank you so much for your comment, Kris. I know Mary touched many, many lives and it’s so nice to hear from someone whose life she touched.

  2. (recipe was adapted from

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