Posted by: eaubeauhorn | March 4, 2008

A phosphene!

Last night was my 4th galantamine experiment. I’m still having trouble setting intent that doesn’t waffle (intent needs to be stated but not “shouted” in order to manifest, and it needs to not have extraneous other intents embedded in it in order to be effective.) I waffled between saying I wanted to go to my Garden in the Middle World and saying that my Total Self would guide the experience. I appear to have gotten some of the latter; no memory of any visit to my Garden.

As uusual, I took tryptophan when I went to bed, to have a period of non-REM sleep, and set the timer for 4 a.m. When the timer went off, I took the galantamine, walked around  a little bit to wake myself up, and then sat up in bed hoping to go directly from the waking state into a lucid dream (called a WILD, for wake-induced lucid dream.) Well, I was really tired and eventually settled down in bed.  No sensations this time of floating out of the body, but I am still on a relatively low dose of 200 mg of the galantamine. I did have vivid dreams, but I can’t say I was lucid. I do often have good memory of my dreams though.

I ended up at some extravaganza in Las Vegas; I think I was influenced by an ad I saw on TV last night about Oprah’s Great Giveaway, that has a glimpse of Andre Agassi in it….and as far as I know he lives in Vegas, so I had this sort of unconscious mental association with Vegas. This dream was part tennis and part music; I don’t remember all that much about it but there are a few things that stand out.

One was that I was repeatedly told that I would have better experiences if I could overcome my fear. That is surely Guidance talking, which is a good thing, since the entire reason why I am doing these galantamine experiements is to get direct contact with Guidance; it is also the reason why I am on the shamanic path….that path, and the instructor I have found, Hank Wesselman, are the  most comfortable I’ve encountered to date. I also had conversations whose content I don’t remember, but which were philosophical in nature, another possible contact with Guidance.

The visit to Vegas was week-long, and at the end of it I noted that I was, as usual, by myself, instead of having become part of a close-knit social gropu like everyone else had. My life in a nutshell.

I was writing the dream down, as I am now, during the dream, so as to remember it. A waking action carried over into the dreamtime.

And one “spectacular” thing did occur: I saw, while I was more awake than asleep, a 3D, in-color geometric figure that I would label as psychedelic. I think this is called a phosphene. My reaction was also “as usual,” in that I did a big WOW and “tried” to see it “more,” which caused me to engage my physical eyes, which brought me completely awake and out of the vision. As usual, again. A year or so ago, I had managed to stop “trying” to see in my dreams and visions and was starting to “allow” myself to see, but I seem to have lost that, and am back in my own way big time. Progress is so slow….

So I see two tasks here, both of which involve getting out of my own way, a theme that comes up over and over in my life. Why I’m in my own way to such a huge extent is something I have not yet figured out, but it does have to do with feeling a need to control what happens to me as much as possible. That can only be a pattern that developed from early experience in which many, many unpleasant things happened to me, and my young conclusion was that in order to prevent the unpleasantness I needed to be in more control. Unfortunately the same situation continues even as I approach the golden years of my life: I need to control my environment very closely in order to not be in a state of desperation from physical and mental discomfort, and people who are more robust simply do not understand this and label me a contol freak. I may be a control freak but I guess the isolation is preferable to the discomfort.

Task one is to find a way to get over the fear, and I see that task as mainly consisting of continuing the galantamine experiments at the low dose until they become run-of-the-mill, boring almost. At that point the fear will have subsided. I guess it will take as long as it takes.

Task two is to set better intent so that my experience does not wander so much; Bruce Moen was the one who gave me the concept of all our intents manifesting, even the doubt that we place along with our intent. When we see the doubt manifesting it is evidence that setting intent does work.

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